He said, She said, PEBCAC?

In flow cytometry core facilities, scenarios such as the one that follows are commonplace.

The first thought that comes to me
after a user reports a problem.

An end-user is attempting to collect data, for some reason there's an issue, the end-user requests assistance from the core facility staff, some resolution is achieved, lather, rinse, repeat.

But, the interesting thing is the back and forth between facility personnel and the user.  Each party is trying to figure out in what way the other party messed up the experiment.  A veritable "he said/she said" ensues and eventually a resolution is achieved.  The way in which the resolution comes about can take many forms depending on the level-headedness of the parties involved. However, core facility personnel are typically about as protective of their instruments and services as a mama grizzly is towards her newborn cubs.  Similarly, a precocious grad student, who has spent umpteen hours preparing her samples, couldn't imagine a situation where she could have made an error.  To celebrate this perennial back and forth, I present to you the 10 most common phrases (5 from each side) overheard between core facility personnel and end-users during the initial throws of an experimental/instrument mishap.

5 Most common statements from core facility personnel when presented with a problem by an end-user

1. Did you try and reboot the instrument (software)?
2. Hmph, my QC beads look fine.
3. Did you filter your samples before bringing them here?
4. I don't know... everything looks pretty dead/negative to me.
5. No one else has had any problems on here today.

5 Most common statements from an end user when they encounter a problem at the core facility

1. Why does this thing break every time I try and use it?
2. I had X million cells, so why did the instrument only run X/5 cells?
3. The instrument is clogged or something.  The person before me didn't clean it well enough.
4. Well, will the problem be fixed soon? This data is for a grant proposal due tomorrow.
5. I hope you're not going to charge me for this.

Of course, I'm a bit biased when it comes to this scenario, so you may have your own favorite anecdotes to share.  You can do so in the comments. Flame on!